The invention of fire. The creation of the wheel. Newton getting clobbered by gravity. All of these moments pale in comparison to the divine revelation that is Wet Girl. This is not just a game. This is humanity’s final form.

Wet Girl has single-handedly rearranged my DNA. I got laid four times this week because of a video game, and honestly at this point I think it might qualify as a medical miracle. I wake up smiling. Birds land on my shoulder. My skin is clearer than Moses’ schedule before he booted up Wet Girl and said, “Hold on lads, I’m about to part something ELSE.”

Jesus completed Wet Girl to 100 percent. That is why we still talk about him two thousand years later. Historical fact. Look it up.

This game is the reason I exist. I am convinced my parents only met because some ancestor played an early beta on stone tablets. And for the price, it is practically charity. If Wet Girl asked me for my life savings, I would simply hand them over and say thank you.